one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
