your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
