I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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