Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Randomize
