you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You took a bar mat shot.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
