i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
