I want to have your abortion
I just pynch a tree in the face
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
