walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize