these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
