If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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