Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
