One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize