I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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