So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
