I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
