I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
