mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
