I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
cat food counts as protein by the way
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
