you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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