if i can run in heels then i can drive
i wish my penis had a tongue
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
