I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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