My underwear smells like fireworks.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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