Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
