ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
