She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
A bitchslap is in order.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
