this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
