I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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