how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
