my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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