this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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