Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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