Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
