but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
