If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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