My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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