Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
