Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she peed on how many people?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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