I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
