Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
