Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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