If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
