Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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