nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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