Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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