I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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