I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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