you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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