I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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