Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
