She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
So apparently I’m into choking now
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