Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
