I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
