I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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