I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
