Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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