Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
