note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
