im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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