like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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