Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
