When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
