The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Boobs speak an international language.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
