I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize