I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
