Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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