Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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