I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
