Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
