Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
